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FIRST JOB
1. Tim, what was your first job? Where?
I was a gardener at Tidbinbilla Space Tracking Station.
2. What hours/shifts did you work?
9-5 endless weekdays
3. What tasks did you have to perform?
My chief task was to halt to advance of nature as it strove to weave its ghastly tendrils into the giant radar dishes.
4. What was the pay like?
The pay was exorbitant, given my total lack of skill and interest.
5. What did you like/dislike most about the job? E.g. did you have to wear a dodgy uniform?
I enjoyed the participation in our nation’s space efforts. Sure, I was just a weeder and whippersnipper, but the aliens may have mistaken me for the radars’ owner. We’ll see…
I didn’t enjoy dealing with blackberry brambles. The last battle on earth will be between blackberries and cockroaches. And the blackberries will win.
6. What skills did you have to learn?
I learnt not to be squeamish about battling nature. It is, after all, trying to kill us. Cases in point: great white sharks, funnelweb spiders and carbon.
7. Why did you leave the job?
The aliens never called. Ah, the impatience of yoof.
8. Were you glad to leave? Why?
I was disappointed to leave Tidbinbilla. My role in the space race was at an end. Presumably, the money saved was blown on wasteful departments like education and health.
9. What is your most vivid memory of the job?
Tiger snakes galore. They’re harder to kill if you give them names.
10. What did you learn from this job?
The aliens are coming. They like the space-garden. And they want it. Sure, laugh it up. You’ll be sorry, so very sorry.
WORST JOB:
1.What was your worst job? Where?
Night duty at Duntroon Military Academy.
2. What hours/shifts did you work?
Uh… night time.
3. What was the worst task you had to perform?
Staying awake. Bear in mind this was the outskirts of Canberra. At night. In winter. Before the Age of Terror.
4. What was the pay like?
There was pay?
5. Why was the job so bad?
Any exercise in futility exhausts the will. Who was going to attack Duntroon? Apart from the cadets themselves, of course. Really, we were just there to stop our mates from harmless bastardising.
6. What was your boss like?
A shouting, homophobic dwarf with alarmingly stunted eyelashes. He seemed convinced me and my mates were ****ing ***s, the lowest of the low, and possibly not homophobic.
7. Why did you leave the job?
That is classified. Not secret, just classified.
8. Is there one word that describes this job?
Unheroic.
9. What have you learned from the experience?
The Airforce guys get a better view.
10. Do you have any advice for someone thinking of taking on a similar job?
A friend is just an enemy you haven’t shot.
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